


Hopeless Love

by miroticmp3



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eventual Smut, M/M, Romance, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 13:17:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16933941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miroticmp3/pseuds/miroticmp3
Summary: Jaejoong knows Yunho will never love him back.





	1. Hopeless Love

_I can’t do this._

_He’s doing it again._

_Why is he smiling at me._

_I can’t take this._

_He loves me._

_But not how I want._

 

“Yunho?”

“Hmm?”

“Where’s Jaejoong?”

“He said he wasn’t feeling well.”

“It seems he’s been sick for several weeks, hasn’t it? Maybe it’s serious. Why don’t we visit him?”

“You just want to make him some chicken soup.” Yunho teased his girlfriend.

Miyoung smiled at him. “Yes. Come on; I know you’re really worried about him.”

 

Jaejoong muted his TV when he heard a knock on his apartment door. He slipped on his slippers and padded to the door, noting the scratched paint on the wood, reminding himself to go to the hardware store to get materials to fix it. He looked through the peephole. His heart skipped when he saw Yunho’s warm brown eyes. Jaejoong pulled the door open, a smile on his face.

A smile that slipped when he caught sight of Yunho’s girlfriend, a pot in her hands. He managed to keep it in his face, hoping neither of them noticed. “What are you guys doing here?” he asked in a croaking voice, throat still sore from his cough.

“You’ve been sick; Miyoung made you some soup.” Miyoung handed it to Jaejoong, who took it gratefully. Soup sounded nice. “Can we come in?” Yunho requested hopefully.

Jaejoong shook his head. “I’m still contagious. I don’t want either of you to get ill.”

“Did you go to the doctor?” Yunho said.

Jaejoong gave him a wan smile. “Yes. I can take care of myself, Yunho.”

Yunho pouted, but his shoulders slumped in resignation. “Alright.” he leaned in and wrapped his arms tightly around Jaejoong, squeezing him. “Drink lots of fluids, especially orange juice. And eat all the soup when it’s scalding hot. And get lots of sleep. And don’t take too much medication. And-”

“I know, Yunho. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.” Yunho pulled away. “Call if you need anything.”

Jaejoong gave him a sad sort of smile. His eyes were unreadable. “I will.”

“Is he really okay?” Miyoung asked Yunho as they walked back to Yunho’s car. “He seemed… down.”

“If Jae says he’s okay, he’s okay. He’s an adult, and he knows himself best.”

“I know, but he seems kind of… depressed, almost.”

“Miyoung. Jaejoong has those kind of funks. They happened a lot in high school. I’ve tried helping him before, but he says the most I can do is just be there. He has a therapist; she’s worked wonders with him. He’ll be okay. I trust him.”

“If you’re sure…” Miyoung still looked uncertain, but she didn’t push it.

 

_“Jaejoong.”_

_“Yunho, what’s up?”_

_“Can Miyoung go to your place? I left my keys there and she’s in the area and has offered to pick them up.”_

_“Sure.”_

Miyoung arrived about fifteen minutes later, dressed in her office clothes. “Hey, Jaejoong. Are you feeling better?”

“Lots, yeah. Your soup helped a lot.”

“Did it? That’s good.”

“I made some ddeokbokki, and put it in the pot.”

“Oh, Jae, you didn’t have to, but thanks! Your ddeokbokki is the best in the world.”

“I know. I have to get ready for work, but Yunho’s keys should be in one of the drawers over there.”

Miyoung took to rummaging through the drawers while Jaejoong went back to his room and pulled on a suit. He laid his jacket over his arm and went back out to show Miyoung to the door.

Miyoung stood frozen in front of the dresser. “Miyoung?” Jaejoong called out to her.

“Jaejoong.” she whispered. “What is this stuff?”

“What? There’s- oh.” Yunho’s keys dangled from her pinky finger, but clearly they had been buried under many papers, several of which Miyoung clutched in her hand. Empty pill bottles and torn envelopes littered the top of the dresser.

“How… how long have you been on antidepressants, Jaejoong?” Miyoung asked quietly.

“Not long….” Miyoung glared at him. “Almost two years.” he whispered.

“Since when are you transferring?” she said flatly.

“Last month.”

_“Why?”_

“I just.. being here is hard. I’m not happy, and my therapist said a change in environment might be good.”

“Is it… is it because of me?”

“What? No, Miyoung, why would you think that?”

“You love Yunho.” Miyoung stated.

Jaejoong slumped his shoulders. “Yes. But none of that is your fault. You love Yunho, and Yunho loves you. It’s meant to be, it’s supposed to be, and I can’t get in the way of that. I already hang around too much.”

“We like having you with us-”

“I know. But I can’t anymore, Miyoung. I need to get away.”

“When are you leaving?” “Next week.”

“We’ll come-”

“No. No, you can’t tell Yunho.”

“But-”

“Miyoung, please. If he knows, he’ll try to stop me. And I’ll let him stop me, because I cannot refuse him.” Jaejoong begged Miyoung, eyes wet. “Don’t tell Yunho.”

Miyoung sighed. “Can I come? By myself?” Jaejoong opened his mouth to protest, but she pressed her palm on his mouth to stop him. “Please. You’re my friend. I won’t stop you- can’t stop you, but at least let me come and support you.”

Jaejoong bit his lip. “Alright.”

 

“You’re sure about this?” Miyoung asked. They were at the airport, and Jaejoong was about to go through security. “You don’t have to. You can come stay with me and Yunho while you look for another place.”

“I’m leaving. I have a place to stay over there. I’ll be fine, Miyoung.” Jaejoong replied.

“We’ll think of you.”

“I know.”

“I’ll still make a cake for your birthday.”

“You and Yunho will eat all of it, ok?”

“Yeah.” Miyoung’s eyes welled up. “Jaejoong. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” Jaejoong stepped in and wiped away a dripping tear. “It’s not your fault. If anything, it’s Yunho’s fault.”

“I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you a lot, Jaejoong.” Miyoung sobbed.

“I’ll miss you too, Miyoung.” Jaejoong pulled her into a hug, their arms wrapped tightly around each other.

They pulled away from each other when the call for security for Jaejoong’s flight came on. “Bye.” said Jaejoong, wiping his eyes and he turned and walked away.

“Bye, Jaejoong.” Miyoung walked in the other direction, to her car.

 

Yunho could only hold his girlfriend as she sobbed for an entire night. Miyoung wouldn’t tell him what was wrong, but he did his best to comfort her.

 

“Miyoung, let’s surprise Jaejoong.” Yunho said excitedly to his girlfriend.

“Why?”

“We haven’t spoken in a few weeks, and Changmin told me he was busy. Let’s surprise him! I have keys to his place.”

“Jaejoong!” yelled Yunho as he banged through the door of Jae’s apartment, wearing a silly hat and holding a cake. “What… what?”

Jaejoong’s place was empty, the walls stripped of their colors and artwork, everything painted a basic white. No furniture, no cats, no food.

No Jaejoong.

 

“When did he move? Why did he move?” Yunho asked Changmin. He’d called over Junsu, Yoochun, and Changmin in his quest to find the missing Jaejoong. “What if he was kidnapped? Oh my god, Miyoung, call the police! We have to-”

“Calm down, Yunho.” Yoochun said. “Jae wasn’t kidnapped.”

“Then where is he?”

“I don’t know.”

“Exactly! So we should call the police!”

“No.”

“Changmin?” Yunho watched the youngest of their group with wide eyes as he stood and drew himself up to his full height.

“Jaejoong-hyung isn’t missing. He told us all he was leaving. He didn’t say where he was going, but we all saw him the day before he left. And if I’m not mistaken, Miyoung saw him off.”

Yunho turned to Miyoung. “Is that true?” She nodded. “Why… why wouldn’t Jaejoong tell me he was leaving?"

“Because _you_ are the reason he left.”

“Me? But I didn’t do anything wrong. He would have told me if I did something. Wouldn’t he?” Yunho said, confused.

Miyoung spoke up for the first time that night. “He was on antidepressants.” She took a deep breath. “It was a very strong dosage.”

“I made Jaejoong depressed? How? What did I do?” Yunho gaped at this revelation. Jaejoong, depressed?

“You didn’t do anything, Yunho-hyung.” Junsu said. “It’s more something Jaejoong did.”

“Wh-”

“He fell in love with you.” Yoochun spat.

Yunho stared at him, dumbfounded. “W-what?”

“He fell in love with you. That idiot, he’s been in love with you since high school, and he never let you go or tried to get over you, even though we’ve told him countless times loving you would only hurt him.” Yoochun paused. “And then Miyoung happened, not that it’s your fault. Jaejoong adores you. He says you’re the best match for Yunho. But Jaejoong became depressed, and you didn’t even try to help him.”

“I did try!”

“Not hard enough! And now look where it’s gotten us- no Jaejoong.” Yoochun grabbed his coat and clomped to the front door. Changmin followed him. Junsu gave Yunho a brief hug, patting his back sympathetically before joining the other two.

Yunho remained frozen in the living room. “Jaejoong… loves me?”

Miyoung laid a hand on his arm. “I’m sorry, Yunho.”

Yunho crumpled to the floor as sobs racked his body, wailing into his arms.

He’s lost everything. Jaejoong is everything, and now Yunho has nothing.

 

Jaejoong stepped out of the airport, brightening a bit as he found his ride and new roommate. He pushed his trolley over to the handsome young man.

“Hi, I’m Jaejoong.” he introduced himself in Japanese to the man. He knew the man was mixed, Japanese and Spanish, and he’d flown from Korea to Japan to Spain, ensuring no one could find him.

“I’m Yuu. Nice to meet you, Jaejoong. Shall we go?”

“Yes.”

 

Spain was nice. His job was nice. The people were nice, the house was nice. Yuu was nice.

Jaejoong woke up after his first night in Spain feeling oddly free, but alone. He took a deep breath. There was no Yunho to make his heart skip, his breathing uneven, his stomach flutter. Jaejoong was free.

Maybe he could do this. Maybe Jaejoong could learn to live without Yunho, maybe he’d stop loving Yunho, and maybe he’d fall in love with someone who loved him back. There were so many possibilities. And maybe, when Jaejoong was completely free of Yunho, he’d go back, to see him.

Maybe.

As a new dawn broke on Jaejoong, as he thought he had found hope, a dark and endless night crashed down on Yunho, who’d lost all hope.

The hopeless gained hope, and the hopeful fell into hopelessness.

Love is curious indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reposting this from my asianfanfics account, @glokmusic_jaejoongie. I'm cringing this is... so bad... it's an old fic... I wrote this over 3 years ago.... god


	2. Hopeless Regrets

Jaejoong woke up to the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. A light blonde roast, to be specific. Over the years, Jaejoong had become very familiar with coffee.

Yuu owned a coffee shop. It was pretty and defined, much like Yuu himself. Yuu was tall, handsome, and sweet. One of the benefits of living with him was that Jaejoong got to eat his amazing desserts and drink his coffee everyday.

Also the sex, but that wasn’t related.

They weren’t dating. Jaejoong could say this much. He loved Yuu as a friend, and sex was just Yuu helping him out. Jaejoong cried every time later, feeling like he’d betrayed Yunho. Which was ridiculous. He and Yunho were never together.

He wondered about them, from time to time. After nearly a year in Spain, Jaejoong had finally gotten the nerve to call Yoochun. The man had been overwhelmed, sobbing into the phone how much he missed Jaejoong and Jaejoong had succumbed to tears as well. He called Junsu and Changmin right after that, and the four of them spoke on a regular basis now.

Jaejoong had called Miyoung once. Back then it was two years he’d been in Spain, and he and Yuu had taken a day trip to Portugal. They’d been walking down a street when Jaejoong had spotted a Tiffany’s and remembered how much Miyoung liked the jewelry store. He decided to call her before he lost his nerve. He’d slipped into a phone booth, chewing on his lip until the other line was picked up.

_“Hello?”_

Jaejoong held his breath.

_“Hello? Anyone there?”_

_“Miyoung.”_

_“Who-? Wait. Jaejoong?”_

_“Hi.”_

_“Oh my god, Jaejoong, hi! Oh my god. Are you ok? Yoochun told us you call regularly. That’s good. Why haven’t you called me before?”_

_“Because you live with Yunho.”_

_“Oh. Right. Well, how are you?”_

Jaejoong had hung up the pay phone and slipped a SIM card into his own phone and talked with Miyoung for a good two hours. He hadn’t realized how much he missed her. She was a really good friend. It wasn’t until the end of the conversation that they spoke about Yunho.

_“How’s Yunho?”_

_“He’s… ok, I guess. He knows why you left.”_

_“Yeah, Yoochun told me. It’s ok.”_

_“He was devastated, Jaejoong. All he did was cry for three days. He didn’t eat, or drink, or sleep. We had to take him to the hospital for an IV.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t be. He started thinking after that, and then he started talking. He started voicing all the times he could think of you doing or saying something strange, and now he knows it’s because you liked him. He’s sad, Jaejoong. He holds it together on the outside, but when he’s alone he breaks. At night, when he thinks I’m asleep, he’ll sit on the balcony for hours, thinking about you. He waxes poetic about you. About your beauty, how much he misses you. He’s gone crazy. You’re on his mind 24/7 and one time he snapped. He said it wasn’t fair that you made him this way. I told him this how you felt all along.”_

_“Thanks for defending me, Miyoung.”_

_“Jaejoong?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“When are you going to come back?”_

_“I don’t know,”_ he’d whispered. _“I still love him. I can’t see him yet.”_

 

Eight years later, and Jaejoong still doesn’t think he’s ready.

He heads downstairs and straight into the kitchen, padding past Yuu and opening a cupboard to pull out his favorite mug. It’s old, with a chip in it where he’d once dropped it, and it doesn’t shine as much as it used to, the porcelain dulled from constant use. But it’s something Yunho bought for Jaejoong, and he can’t bring himself to get rid of it.

Jaejoong can say it’s probably his fault he can’t get over Yunho. He still has everything the other man had ever bought or made for him. A woolen blanket, a sweater Yunho had knit to get out of a bet, a scrapbook Miyoung had helped him with when they’d graduated college. Mismatched socks from when Jaejoong stepped in apple juice in third grade. Polaroids from their first night out clubbing. A lucky pencil that Jaejoong used all throughout high school and college and he swears is magical. There’s a stone cat figurine, and a hand-carved marble music note. 

But Jaejoong’s most precious item is a photo. It’s in a sleek silver frame, and it’s from their college days. In it, he has frosting on his face, especially a clump on his nose, and Yunho’s leaning in on his right, tongue peeking out and licking at some on his cheek. Sometimes, Jaejoong pretends he’s doing it out of lust.

Today, Yuu has to work at his shop. Jaejoong doesn’t have anything to do, so he just watches some TV, cleans up the house. Does laundry. Makes lunch. He’s bored. So he changes into some outdoor clothes, tight white pants and a loose blue top with a wide neck that’ll show off his collarbones, running a comb through his hair until he’s satisfied with it. He grabs a pair of shades and a messenger bag, slinging it over his shoulder as he heads out.

They don’t live in a city, more a small town about an hour and a half from the closest metropolis. The people are very friendly, especially the ladies, and Jaejoong always gives them a regretful smile when he turns one down, but he has no problem hanging out with them. They like taking him home to their families, having him eat good food, and Jaejoong doesn’t mind the attention. It distracts him from Yunho, at the very least.

Yunho, Yunho, Yunho. Eight years and 10,000 kilometers can’t keep him from thinking of the man. Jaejoong hates this. He hates that he still loves Yunho, that he can’t forget him, that even after so long without him Yunho can control every inch of his body and every ounce of his soul. He even came to a point where he thought he hated Yunho but he can’t.

Because Yunho is probably still sweet. He probably still makes puppy eyes at people, smiles his beautiful smile, goddamn, he’s probably still fucking perfect and Jaejoong can’t hate him.

Jaejoong is starting to think leaving had been a mistake.

Well, he planned on going back, hadn’t he?

No. Initially, Jaejoong planned on staying away from Yunho forever. And he’d have to. Yunho and Miyoung had probably gotten married by now; they’d probably already had at least four of the twenty-five children Yunho wanted; Miyoung would have her fashion studio and Yunho would be busy at his own law practice, and they’d have a dog, a big, gentle one the children could play with, and-

“Jaejoong?”

Jaejoong jumps, startled, and gasps, resting a hand on his chest to calm his heartbeat before turning to who’d said his name.

It was a woman, with bangs and long wavy black hair. She was dressed in pink, a purse in one hand, sunglasses in the other. Her cat-like eyes were wide, like she was shocked to see him.

“Miyoung?” Jaejoong said incredulously.

 

“You look well.”

Jaejoong turned from where he was making tea and leaned against the counter. Miyoung was sitting on one of the tall stools he and Yuu had at the breakfast bar. Her hands were folded together, and she rested her face in them. She was still so pretty- even more so, age having no affect on her. Seeing her after eight years,  Jaejoong wondered how Yunho looked now.

He was about to ask, but reminded himself that his wife was in front of him. Dammit.

He chose to reply instead. “Look who’s talking.”

Miyoung cracked a smile. “I’m serious. You look really good. Brighter. Happier.”

Jaejoong considered her words. “I guess I am brighter. I don’t know about happier.”

“Do you still love Yunho?”

He sighed. “Yes. I’ve resigned myself to it. I’ll be fine here, though. Yuu is good to me.”

“Are you guys together?”

“No. I mean, we have sex sometimes, but… I don’t love him. I feel guilty about it.”

“Why?”

“I feel like I’m playing him, and… I feel like I betrayed Yunho. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.”

“You’re not, Jaejoong. It’s not.”

“Why are you here, Miyoung?” Jaejoong asked.

Miyoung’s face fell. “I’m um… I’m here with my boyfriend. It’s a business trip and he asked me to come with him.”

“Yunho’s here?” Jaejoong panicked. He can’t see Yunho. Not now, not like this.  

“No! He’s not, Jaejoong, calm down.”

“But you said…”

“Yunho and I broke up.”

Jaejoong swallowed. “W-what? When?”

“About four years ago.”

“Why?”

Miyoung sighed. “Yunho… he’s not the same man he used to be. Like on the outside he’s fine. I mean the first few weeks after you left he was down but after that he seemed ok, but it was just a farce. He’d drink when he got home, and he took up smoking, and it was… it was bad.” she whispered.

Jaejoong’s face hardened. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“No, no. In fact he’d lock me out of the house and send me to stay with Yoochun or Junsu when it got really bad. I mean it got worse.” she paused. “I tried my best to make it work, because I knew he needed me in those dark times, and I knew you’d want me to help him, but it was… overwhelming. It was Yunho who ended it.” she said. “One day he just kind of said ‘Miyoung, I don’t love you anymore’ and I was like ‘Okay’. And I knew it was you, all he talked or thought about when he was at home was you. I started moving my stuff out the next day. Yunho helped.” Miyoung looked into Jaejoong’s eyes. “He’s so lost without you, Jaejoong. He’s resigned himself to the fate that he will want you back his entire life and you won’t come.”

“But…. you two were supposed to get married. And have kids. I already planned on you guys having four children by now!”

“You know, there’s no point in trying to build a life and a home with someone you don’t truly love.”

“I don’t understand.”

“This here,” Miyoung waved her hands around to emphasize his and Yuu’s house, “this is you trying to be normal. And I get why. You left behind everything and everyone you loved, and this is your shot at normalcy. If you didn’t try to make your life regular again you’d fall into a lonely abyss, where no one could save you, because no one would know you and find you worth saving. I can tell you’re doing better, you look better than I’ve seen you in years, but this is not your full potential. You are satisfied, but you’re not happy. You won’t be happy, can’t be happy until you have Yunho.” she huffed. “What I’m saying is that no matter how hard you try here, none of it will amount to anything because you aren’t with Yunho.”

Jaejoong nodded his head slowly. “Okay. That’s true. But how does this apply to you and Yunho?”

Miyoung sighed. Really, Jaejoong was a smart man except when it came to Yunho. “I’m saying we weren’t truly in love.”

“What do you mean? You guys were the model couple.”

“On the outside. But we fought fairly often. You know, when we first started dating, I hated you. I hadn’t met you, but all Yunho would talk about was ‘Jaejoong this’ and ‘Jaejoong that’, and I was mad that my boyfriend would rather ramble about his best friend than talk with me. But then I actually met you, and that changed. Because Yunho was just being honest, and look- we became close friends too.”

“No, I meant, what do you mean he didn’t love you? We even talked about you guys getting married, hell, Miyoung, Yunho had already asked me to help plan the wedding and be his best man!”

“Jaejoong, are you even listening to what I’m saying? Do I have to spell it out for you?”

“But-”

“He loves you, Jaejoong! He loves you and misses you and it’s tearing him apart because he never acted on it and now you’ve left him forever!”

Jaejoong gaped. “What?”

Miyoung put a hand on her chest and took a deep breath. “Yunho loves you, Jaejoong. I can’t believe it’s taken him this long to realize it, but he’s always been thick. Yunho hasn’t been doing so well,” she continued. “Khun and I went to see him the other day and the doctor said if he doesn’t turn things around soon she’ll have to start prescribing antidepressants. He’s becoming you.”

“Becoming…. me?” Jaejoong whispered. “No. No, no, Yunho can’t do that. Yunho can’t be sad. Yunho can’t be upset.”

“You make him upset.”

Jaejoong sat down, head in his hands. “I did that to him? I… Miyoung, what can I do? What do I do?”

“What do you want to do, Jaejoong?”

“I want Yunho to be happy. He should be happy; he deserves to be happy. How do I make him happy, Miyoung? How can I help him?”

“Is it only Yunho who deserves happiness? What about you?”

Jaejoong lifted his head, staring at Miyoung with tears drying on his cheeks. “I… I don’t know.”

“Jaejoong.” Miyoung reached out a hand and lifted his chin. “Let me tell you what you need to do.” He nodded. “You need to go home.”

“Home?” he croaked.

“Go back to Korea. Go back home, go back to your friends, your family, go back to Yunho.”

“To Yunho?”

“Yes. Jaejoong, this is your chance to change all of this. Please go back. For me, for Yunho, and most of all, yourself.”

Jaejoong let his head drop when Miyoung’s phone rang. She answered it with a soft, _“Hello”_ before going towards the back door and slipping outside to talk in peace. Jaejoong forced himself to stand up and dump the now cold and bitter tea still steeping down the sink. He was putting dishes in the cupboard when Miyoung stepped back into the room, sliding the door shut. Her face was drawn and pale.

Jaejoong set down a dish he was struggling to place. His eyebrows knit in concern as he asked, worried, “What’s wrong, Miyoung?”

“Nothing. Well, I mean, something, but. That was Junsu who called just now.”

“What happened?”

“Apparently Yunho called Changmin drunk out of his mind and Min got worried, smart boy, and got Yoochun and Junsu to come to Yunho’s apartment. They kinda picked the lock, because they didn't have a key. And… they found Yunho passed out in the bathtub.”

“He’s done that before. I used to put him in the bathtub, actually, when he was drunk. With towels as a pillow.”

“Jaejoong, the tub was full.”

Jaejoong felt the breath leave his lungs. “What? Oh my god, is he okay?” _Is he alive_ , is what he means.

“He’s fine. He didn’t even realize he did it. But this has been happening a lot lately. He just gets drunk, spaces out, accidentally does something dangerous. He’s sleeping it off now, has been for a few hours. Just wait, I’ll get a call from him any minute. He’ll be crying.”

Miyoung pulled Jaejoong over to the couch and pushed him down, settling next to him. She placed her phone on the coffee table, and when it began to ring she immediately set it to speaker before sliding her finger across to answer.

Miyoung leaned in to speak to it. “Hello?”

_“Miyoung.”_

_“Yunho.”_

_“You heard, huh.”_

_“Yunho, you’ve done many stupid and dangerous things these past few years, but this is by far the stupidest and most dangerous.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Do you know what it seems like you tried to do?”_

_“Yes. I promise that wasn’t it.”_

_“Then why?”_

Yunho hesitated for a second before answering, _“Jaejoong.”_

_“What?”_

_“I was drunk, and I thought I saw Jaejoong reprimanding me and manhandling me into the bathtub like he used to. I was so happy to see him, I kept trying to pull him down next to me, and I guess in all that flailing I hit the tap and turned it on.”_

_“I hate you. What if you drowned? What would Jaejoong say?”_

_“I honestly don’t care what he’d say, because at least he’d be back and talking to me.”_

_“Yunho…”_

_“Where is he, Miyoung? Why hasn’t he come back? Was loving me really so painful that he has to stay away forever?”_

_“I’m sure he has his reasons.”_ Miyoung glanced at Jaejoong. The man had tears running down his face in rivulets, and he was barely holding back the sobs rising in his throat.

_“Do you think he moved on? That he loves someone else now?”_

_“No, I don’t think so.”_

_“I want him to come home. I want him, I need him. Jaejoong, Jaejoong, please come home. I want you. I need you. I love you. Jaejoong,” Yunho’s voice became choked, like he was on the verge of tears, “I love you.”_

_“You’re still out of it, Yunho. Go to sleep.”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“It’s fine. Good night.”_

_“Night.”_ There was a click as Yunho hung up.

Miyoung turned just in time, as Jaejoong flung himself into her lap, sobbing. She ran her fingers through his hair in an effort to calm him, holding him until he calmed down enough to look up at her. She cupped his salty, tear-stained cheeks.

“You see, Jaejoong? He needs you. He loves you. Please go home. Okay?”

Jaejoong shut his eyes as he nodded. “Okay.”

 

The sun was brighter than he remembered it to be in Seoul.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hnggggggg I hate thisssssss but I can't delete it from existence....


	3. Hopeless Returns

Changmin cried. Jaejoong has never seen the stoic and sensible youngest of their group shed a tear in his life, but today, while Jaejoong sat on a posh leather sofa in a high rise, Changmin buried himself in his arms and sobbed. Jaejoong could only hold him and run his hands soothingly through his hair and over Changmin’s back.

Yunho has gotten worse. It’s the first thing Yoochun says to Jaejoong after they’ve calmed down enough to think straight. Changmin is still in his lap, Junsu leaning on him from the other side.

“He’s starting to close off from everyone, hyung. He tells us to call him when you come back.”

Jaejoong’s horrified. “If it was that bad why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would you have come back?”

Jaejoong can’t reply.

“Exactly. And Yunho asks about you every time after we call you,” Yoochun continues. “It’s like he’s gained some kind of sixth sense while you were gone.”

“What did he want to know?”

“If you were well, if you were happy, if you had a special someone… stuff like that.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“That you were well, that you were not happy, and no, you didn’t have someone.”

_“Yoochun.”_

“What? That’s the truth.”

“Anyways, hyung,” Junsu interrupts their argument, “when are you going to go see him?”

 

This is a bad idea. A very bad idea. Possibly the worst idea Yoochun, Changmin, and Junsu have ever had in their history of bad ideas.

But at least it’s an idea. Jaejoong hadn’t a single clue of how he was going to see Yunho again. He honestly never thought he’d come back. Come home.

Home is where Yunho is.

But right now he is standing in front of Yunho’s door, key in hand, with a bottle of lube, goddamn it, in his front pocket. He doesn’t even know how that got there. Maybe Junsu slipped it in. He’s just here to talk. To Yunho.

Determined, Jaejoong unlocks the door, stepping in and closing it behind him as he toes his shoes off. He treads softly into Yunho’s apartment.

It's dark, the curtains drawn, which is so unlike Yunho, who always wanted the place bright and full of light. Takeout boxes litter the coffee table, and there are clothes strewn about the room. Nothing is broken, thank god, but this isn’t right. Yunho isn’t the cleanest person, but he at least had the decency to confine his mess to his room.

Yunho isn’t home. Jaejoong knows this because Yoochun had told him his work schedule, and Yunho gets off at 5. It’s 4:30. Jaejoong came early to steel himself, to make sure he’ll be able to say actual words to Yunho and not just melt at his presence.

He wanders down the hallway, because Jaejoong knows Yunho wouldn't mind, he’s never been a private person, and pushes open what he can only assume is a bedroom door.

The room itself doesn’t look lived in. It’s white, from the walls to the carpet to the furniture and sheets, completely white and emotionless and it feels so empty and Jaejoong is confused because the last time he was at Yunho’s house he’s pretty sure the room was colorful. But it’s just white.

Well. There is some color. Just a splash of it, that Jaejoong can see from the doorway, on the lone nightstand to the right of the bed. He pads towards it, reaching out to pick up what he now can see is a picture frame, and turns it to face him. His heart stops and tears form in his eyes without thinking.

It’s a photograph. Of him. 21 year old Jaejoong is staring back at him, frosting on his face, a little clump on his nose, and Yunho is licking some off his cheek. He has this photo. This is the picture of Yunho he woke up to every morning in Spain.

In the back of his mind, unnoticed, there is an errant thought that perhaps if Yunho woke to his face every day, things aren’t as bleak as they seem.

Suddenly there’s a click of a door opening and the sound of shuffling feet, and a quick glance at his phone shows that it’s 5:30.

“Hello?”

Yunho is home.

Jaejoong stands, leaving the picture frame on Yunho’s bed, and slips out of the door, heading to the living room where Yunho is. He pauses in the entranceway, to catch his breath.

Yunho is gorgeous.

Despite his drinking and smoking (which Junsu had been working on getting him out of), and unhealthy food choices (that somehow don’t stick to his stomach, but his chest instead), Yunho is still amazingly attractive and Jaejoong doesn’t think it’s fair. He’s still tall and has muscly arms, still has his long legs (though not quite as nice as Changmin’s), probably still has the same pout and sparkling eyes. He hasn’t seen the man’s face yet.

He takes a deep breath before he loses his nerve. “Yunho.”

 

He’s had a shitty day at work. He really has. His secretary dropped the files and had a breakdown until Yunho managed to calm her, 2 of his clients canceled and one showed up without any notice, the police reports wouldn’t be coming for another day, just everything is a mess. He’s going to go crazy.

Yunho climbed the narrow stairs to the roof for a quick smoke during his morning break, only to rummage around in his suit pocket and not find anything. Right, Junsu took them all.

_“Smoking is bad for you, Yunho-hyung.”_

_“I don’t care.”_

_“Let me get rid of them.”_

_“No.”_

_“Jaejoong-hyung wouldn’t like it if you smoked.”_

_Yunho handed them over._

_Yunho sighed. Eight years and god-knows-where Jaejoong is, but Yunho can’t stop thinking about him._

He wonders if this is love.

Yoochun and Junsu and Changmin tell him it is.

Miyoung isn’t sure. But she thinks so, too.

If this is love, then love sucks.

He’s relieved when his watch finally reads 5, and he practically runs out the office building, getting in his car and driving home. Yunho just wants a strong drink and then maybe he’ll go to bed. Or clean up the mess that his house is. Yeah. Cleaning.

He unlocks his door, when something stops him in the foyer. There are a pair of shoes there. Yunho has never seen them before.

He edges cautiously into his house, calling out, but not receiving any response. He’s pondering and searching in the living room when he hears an intake of breath, and then his name is being said by a very familiar voice.

His heart stops. It can’t possibly be…

 

“Jaejoong?”

Jaejoong stays still as Yunho turns to face him, his almond eyes wide. There are tears springing up in them as he watches, and his own eyes are watering. “Jaejoong.” Yunho says again, hoarse.

“Yunho, I..” Yunho walks over to him, and before he can finish his sentence, he’s being held tightly in a warm pair of arms.

 

Yunho can’t breathe, he’s crying so hard. It’s gross, his snot is rubbing all over Jaejoong shoulder, salty tears wetting the man’s neck, but he can’t stop. He’s _here_. Jaejoong is _here_ , in his arms, he’s here, he’s _real_ , and he’s even more beautiful that Yunho remembers. The smaller man is shaking in his embrace, and Yunho can feel his hands scrunched tightly in the back of his dress shirt, can feel the wetness spreading on his right shoulder as Jaejoong sobs.  

“Jaejoong, Jaejoong, look,” Yunho pulls himself away from him, with difficulty, “look at me.” He shakes his head. “Jaejoong, please.”  

Jaejoong finally looks up at him, tears still pooling in his doe eyes. _He’s so beautiful this way_ , Yunho thinks, _but I’d rather have him smile._

Yunho takes his hand, and pulls him over to the couch, lowering them both. Jaejoong is still captive in the taller man’s arms, but he doesn’t fight it. Jaejoong doesn’t _want_ to fight it. It feels so good, so right, to be held in Yunho’s arms like this. To lean his head on a broad shoulder, to breathe in a forest-y smell that’s tinged with lavender and rosemary but is at the same time distinctly musky and masculine and _Yunho_.

“Jaejoong.”

“Hm?”

“As much as I like this, we need to talk.”

Jaejoong slides a few inches away from Yunho, straightening himself. He wipes his eyes. Yunho looks a bit disappointed, so he reaches out his left hand and takes Yunho’s in it, entwining their fingers. Yunho relaxes and a small smile forms on his face. “Talk.”

‘Why did you leave me?”

Jaejoong narrows his eyes. “We were never together, Yunho.” Yunho opens his mouth to respond, but Jaejoong plows on. “But I wanted it. I wanted to be with you. I loved you so much. And it hurt so much to see you so happy with someone else, it got to be too much. I wanted to fix myself, the self that was shattered. I wanted to be able to look at you as my best friend again. So I left, to try to do that, but… it didn't work. I can’t be fixed. I haven’t stopped. I love you, Yunho. I still love you.” He takes a deep breath. “Will… will you accept me?”

“Oh, Jaejoong, you’re silly. How could I not?” Yunho tugs Jaejoong to him, crushing him in a tight embrace. “I’m glad you still love me.”

“But.. what about you? Miyoung said you realized it after I left.”

“The truth is, I think I loved you since before Miyoung, but because we were- are- best friends, I couldn’t exactly realize my feelings. And I guess it became clearer after you disappeared. It’s confusing. But I’m not confused right now. I love you. I know that.”

“Yunho.”

“Yeah, Jae?”

“I’ve waited 15 years to hear you say that.”

Yunho tips Jaejoong’s chin up. “I’m sorry it’s so late.” He presses their lips together.

Jaejoong melts. Yunho’s just as good at kissing as Miyoung told him he is. His lips are sweet, like cherries and Starbursts, but a little tangy, like those sour gummies.

When Yunho pulls away, his eyes are glazed over. “Wow.”

Jaejoong laughs. “Wow?”

“You’re even better at this than you look.”

“Thanks, I guess.”

“Jaejoong.”

“Yes?”

“We need to talk more. About this. It’s a little messed up.”

“Yes, we do. And it is. But not right now.” Jaejoong tugs him back down, “Right now, more kissing.” He smashes their lips together.

It’s been a good ten minutes before they come up for air again. “Jaejoong.” Yunho breathes. “I don’t think kissing is enough.” He looks feral. Carnivorous. Jaejoong feels a rush from the intense stare, a river of heat spiraling south.  

He ducks his head shyly before glancing up at Yunho through hooded eyes and holds his arms open for the man. “Come and take me then.” he purrs.

Yunho smirks and reaches for Jaejoong’s mouth once again.

_Thank god Junsu put lube in my pocket._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof I hate the original posting format of this.... I love ao3's automatic format YES thank you god. Also the descriptions... I was really a 16-year-old writing this shit huh


	4. Hopeful Future

Jaejoong’s head flung back as Yunho bit down on his birthmark, laving his tongue over it. Their hands were everywhere, scrambling to reach, to touch, to know that the other was really there, that this was really happening. A moan slipped out between Jaejoong’s lips as Yunho sucked on his throat. One of his big warm hands slid up Jaejoong’s chest and deftly undid the buttons on his shirt, and slipping the other one in he pulled Jaejoong’s shirt off. Yunho’s lips crept down his neck, and then Jaejoong gasped as a warm mouth closed around his right nipple. Sinking his hands into Yunho’s hair, he groaned.

Yunho trailed his lips to Jaejoong’s other nipple, sucking harshly on it for a while before pressing his tongue flat onto the milky skin and licking a stripe down Jaejoong’s navel until his pants got in the way. He grabbed the shorter man’s hips and hoisted him onto his thighs, roughly jerking off his dark-wash jeans and briefs. His eyes darkened as Jaejoong’s pale legs were revealed, and he licked his lips upon eyeing the smaller man’s not-so-small cock arched heavily over his abdomen.

Jaejoong yelped and jerked his hips when Yunho began kitten-licking his cock, thoroughly wetting every inch of the velvety skin. He whined as the younger man pinned his hips down before engulfing him in his mouth, loudly sucking on his cock. Yunho bobbed his head up and down, pulling back some and digging his tongue into the slit. He rubbed Jaejoong’s puckered entrance with his knuckles.

Jaejoong jolted at the sensation on his entrance before keening as it was rubbed. Yunho released his cock, but continued teasing the tight hole. He uncurled his hand and poked it, barely pushing the tip of his index finger in. Yunho did it repeatedly, watching in fascination as Jaejoong’s hole clenched and unclenched with his actions. Suddenly, Jaejoong’s hand gripped his wrist and forced the whole finger in. Jaejoong moaned at the stretch as Yunho wiggled the finger about, trying to get him used to it. Digging out the lube from the discarded pants on the floor, Yunho dumped a copious amount on his hand and fingers to make preparing Jaejoong more comfortable.

Twenty minutes later and three fingers deep, Jaejoong has had enough, he just wants Yunho, immediately. “Yunho,” he whimpered. “Please.”

“Please what?” Yunho pressed a harsh kiss on him, speaking against his lips. “What is it you want?”

“You. Please, Yunho, please, fuck me, please- agh!” Jaejoong choked when finally, _finally_ Yunho found his prostate, pressing the spongy texture hard.

Yunho pulled his dripping, hard cock out from his briefs and stroked Jaejoong’s cleft with it, the older man whining at the tease.

“Dammit, Yunho, just put it i-!” Jaejoong’s head flung back as Yunho breached his body, his thick cock pulling him apart at the seams. His back arched and chest heaved and he held his hands out, resting them on Yunho’s chest, as if imploring the man to wait. Yunho simply placed a hand behind each of Jaejoong’s knees, and slowly pulled out, dragging his cock through Jaejoong until only the head was still in, before rapidly thrusting back in and quickly building a steady pace.

Jaejoong mewled, cries spilling out of his cherry-pink lips as Yunho fucked him senseless. A large hand dropped his left leg and gripped his cock instead, jerking him off in time with measured thrusts, having Jaejoong straining into his hand in one moment, and grinding down on his cock the next.

“Y-Yunho...come here.” Jaejoong held his arms open and Yunho dropped his other leg, allowing Jaejoong to cross them and hold Yunho tight as he thrust faster and faster. The smaller man’s whines were getting louder and longer, and his begging soon turned desperate.

Yunho kissed him, forcing his tongue in and thoroughly tasting the man and then whispered, “Come, Jaejoong. Do it for me, love.”

Jaejoong’s nails traced red scores on his back at the same time Yunho’s teeth sank into his pulse point, as they both climaxed and tipped over the edge of a blinding, dizzying pleasure.

 

“Yoochun’s here!” Yunho announced, leading Jaejoong’s soulmate into their pretty condo. Jaejoong raced out of the kitchen with a bowl of chips and dip and hastily dumped it on the table before pouncing on the man and suffocating him with a hug.

“Yoochun! I missed you!” Jaejoong exclaimed. Yoochun had gone to teach piano at a Spanish observatory (connections courtesy Yuu), and it was his first visit home in nine months. Jaejoong had insisted on a special welcome home party for him, and Yunho had readily offered their home as the venue.

Yoochun hugged him back. “It’s only been nine months. Not like, eight years.” Jaejoong pulled back from his shoulder and glared at him, and he found him tugged away from the beautiful man. Woops. Yunho glared at him too.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m here now, and that’s what matters, right?” Jaejoong asks cautiously. He was still unsure about his decision to leave and how it affected everyone, afraid they hated him for it.

“Of course, Jaejoongie. Ignore him, Spain’s made him stupid.” Yunho wrapped an arm around his waist and pressed a quick kiss to his temple before leading them into the living room where the rest of their close-knit group of friends were seated.

It’s been two years since Jaejoong returned home. Yunho’s condo had been more than enough space for the two of them, and Jaejoong immediately set to bringing back the color into his life, by getting rid of all of Yunho’s old possessions. Now the home the two lovingly share with each other and their friends is warm and bright.

There’s just one thing that they both decided to keep, a photo, and it sits on the dresser in the front hall.

21 year old Jaejoong is in it, frosting on his face, especially a little clump on his nose, and Yunho’s leaning in on his right, tongue peeking out and licking at some on his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can tell that I knew NOTHING about sex when I wrote this lmaoooo god this fic is soooo cringey looking back on it but I cannot bring myself to get rid of it.... however I have been considering deleting my aff so I still wanted this posted somewhere.


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